By Ann McKnight
We are in such a place of waiting. Of unknown. Of uncertainty. Of transition.
A gift of all of this shifting has been that I’m able to take a closer look at so many parts of my life and recalibrate. Clean my internal house. What am I here for again? What is this all about? How am I doing in my relationships? What is the part I am to play in my nation? What does it mean for me to be a person of faith at this moment in history?
An anchor for me with these kinds of questions has always been Micah 6:8 (I even gave a sermon on it as a senior in high school at Allen Park Presbyterian Church).
“God has told you, O mortal, what is good; and what does the Lord require of you but to do justice, and to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God?”
Simple and clear.
Sort of.
When I hear people expressing certain perspectives with adamance, when I see certain yard signs going up, when I hear certain conversations around COVID-19, when I walk downtown during a short break from my office and see varying levels of mask-wearing I can take this verse in a particular direction that I’m going to call “Brain Stem.”
When my Brain Stem response is activated I feel basic mammalian fear:
- My heart races.
- My stomach clenches.
- My muscles tense.
- I feel my jaw set.
- I attune to danger.
- I see people as enemies and a threat.
This is the part of my brain that gets my legs moving if the house is burning down long before my thinking mind even registers what is happening. My Brain Stem is a good and important part of my system. I’m grateful for it. I need its unleashing of cortisol (stress hormone that moves me to action) to get going and energize myself to stay alive in emergency circumstances.This Brain Stem fear can show up in a number of different forms: fight, flee, freeze and fawn.
When my Brain Stem has been under long-term continuous strain as, say, during a pandemic, I find myself operating more and more through a lense of self-protection and the accompanying cortisol dumping into my body. In this heightened state, the words of Micah take on a particular reactive tone in my thoughts:
To Do Justice (reactivity/Brain Stem)
Fight
- Judging, punishing, blaming those who don’t see things the way I do.
- Trying to maintain my self image as a good, moral, caring, righteous person at all costs, including dehumanizing others.
- “What is wrong with those people?!?” Othering.
- “They don’t care about anyone but themselves.”
- “They are idiots/amoral/sociopaths/ignorant.”
- “Have they actually ever read the Bible?”
When I am not in Brain Stem reaction, and am feeling grounded because of the way I am caring for my own system, I am able to see a bigger view and a broader perspective than just my own survival. I hear something more gracious, and outward-reaching underneath what Micah is saying.
To Do Justice (responsive/grounded and settled)
- Emphasis on restoration and reconciliation of relationship rather than punishment or push for like-mindedness.
- Holding people accountable for impacts of their actions within a context that invites transformation.
- Ask myself what I want people to do and what I want their reason to be for doing it.
- Strong relationships have room for disagreement, as do dynamic communities.
- Moving toward difference with curiosity.
- Making space for those on the margins or those who have been silenced.
- Willingness to learn and grow.
As Brian Stevenson, lawyer and social justice activist says “We’re all more than the worst thing we’ve ever done.” I certainly want to be seen that way when I’m crabby or say something regrettable or hold an opinion that I later change my mind on. It’s a daily challenge for me to extend that same grace to others.
To Love kindness (reactive/Brain Stem) is to use numbing and fear-avoiding strategies to make the situation tolerable so I can uphold my position as a Nice Polite Christian/Midwesterner.
Flee
- Getting consumed with projects.
- Overworking.
- Avoiding news or opinions that challenge my own.
- Hiding in simplistic platitudes: “Just love people.”
- The spiritual bypass (“God’s got this so I don’t need to do anything about it.”)
Freeze
- One more glass of wine.
- Another bag of chips (cherry barbeque please).
- One more episode on Netflix.
- Disengaging socially.
- Diving into the endless well of dog videos on TikTok.
- Waiting for things outside of myself to change.
To Love Kindness (responsive/grounded and settled):
- Trusting in the natural goodness-the imprint of God that is in all of us-and doing the work to find that in those I encounter.
- Reminding myself that even if I’m not able to understand what/why someone is doing/saying a particular thing, I still know this person is a child of God and I’m glad it’s not my job to figure out how or why they need to change.
- To step back from conversation or news/social media when I notice Brain Stem activation happening so I actively take care of myself instead of numbing.
- Choosing my behaviors/how I spend time in an active way because it lines up with my values, not just a default to numb out (this includes rest and play).
To Walk humbly (reactive/Brain Stem)
Fawn
- Trying to run interference for others/justifying another’s hurtful actions.
- Not taking up space or upsetting the apple cart with my own views.
- Having some thought that God values me not caring for myself/martyrdom.
- Wanting to please everyone.
- Not speaking honestly so as not to lose connection with the good graces of a particular group or person.
To Walk Humbly (responsive/grounded and settled):
- I am a person with a brain stem and so is every other person.
- I do not have a corner on Truth.
- I, too, have been limited in my understanding of systemic racism, politically naive, ignorant regarding LGBTQ issues, religiously myopic, Holland-centric, tribalistic, and morally superior.
- I can speak with clarity out of my own values.
- I am on a path and continuing to learn.
- I need Grace.
When I look at myself through the lense of the mechanics of Brain Stem reactivity, behaviors of which I am not particularly proud make more sense. I feel less shame, less need to defend myself, and more spaciousness.
Even with this awareness, my brain will seek to defend itself through protective action if I am not tending to it consciously. It’s a mechanical issue-not a moral one. And it’s ongoing work.
Responsibility for my reactivity does not lie with:
- Those I disagree with.
- Elected officials.
- My parents.
- My children.
- My friends.
- Jim.
- My pastors.
- The powers that be.
I need more dopamine-oriented activities in my day than I ever have to balance the strain and uncertainty my Brain Stem is under. This requires strength and stamina and support. I am walking more, praying more, and adding the physicality of Qi Gong to my daily centering prayer. I am eating extra-thoughtfully. I am careful with my time and energy. I consider what I am reading and listening to with support of my Brain Stem in mind. I am finding meaningful ways to engage with my community. I try to do something every day that helps my own sense of belonging, as well as that of others. I seek out things that make me laugh. I’m spending as much time as possible in nature. I am actively engaging with people I love, especially when I sense myself wanting to crawl into a hole.
Even as the maintenance and healing of my own Brain Stem reactivity and past pain is my work; I can also reach out to the people around me (including psychotherapists, spiritual directors, and pastors) when I need more help in doing my own work.
Perks of understanding the mechanical nature of my reactivity:
- Easier to take responsibility for my irritability/impact on others.
- Apologizing rather than blaming those closest to me.
- Words I use and actions I take are more likely to be taken seriously/have a meaningful impact.
- Caring for others by considering my impact on their Brain Stems when I am in a reactive place (reactivity is contagious).
- Moving through difficulties without baggage/paying a price later with guilt or shame.
- Appreciating my own complexity, and the wondrous complexity of others.
- Easier to be gracious and generous toward others, if not in the moment then in the big picture.
- Feeling less terrified/angry/upset on a daily basis.
At the end of the day it is God’s world and not mine. This is a relief that allows me to play the part I have with the brain I have been given, steward my time, energy and passions as best I can, and trust that God is shaping the rest. Do justice. Love kindness. Walk humbly.
If you’d like to learn more about not just calming your system but also healing past pain including what we inherited from the generations before us I suggest My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathways to Mending our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem.
Also, of course, Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication.