Love More
by Ann McKnight, Reconciliation Ministry
“‘Love More.’ It’s not easy, but at least it’s not complicated.” Lois Maassen, one of the saints in my life, wrote this in an essay that I’ve read more than a few times. I do want to love more. With every fiber of my being. And, yes, it’s not easy. I also do find it complicated here in the trenches of family life with two growing teens. I need a hand.
Our foursome is dynamic. On the up side, we are each curious, enjoy adventures (each by our own definitions), have a wide variety of interests, and plenty of humor. Plus, we love fun. On the not-so-up side, we can have four very distinct and strong positions on any issue from “what’s for dinner?” to who has a say over the cleanliness of bedrooms. The “discussions” that emerge are sometimes not so fun.
As a mom and wife, when the tension arises, I can find myself wanting to make it easy: trying to figure out solutions that will make everyone happy, or, in frustration, resorting to the old familiar “because I said so!” just to bring the issue to a close. Or, in a slightly less easy direction, trying to ignore or work around tensions. The bottom line is that, in spite of knowing better, my autopilot is to try and figure it out so everyone is happy.
Isn’t that a kind of loving more? Certainly there is nothing harmful about wanting to bring harmony. It IS complicated, though. When I appoint myself conflict manager/solver in my own family something doesn’t sit right in my own heart. Placing myself in the seat of God leaves little room for me. I’m realizing that in order to thrive, I, too, need to be understood in these challenging moments of family life. It’s hard to be both referee and player. Even more important, Jim and I both want our children to be able to clean up their own messes—literally and figuratively. I suspect the more interference I run, the less they will be inclined to do this. Thankfully, now that we have the tool of Restorative Circles, I’m experiencing a fundamental shift in dynamics.
While planning, as a family, for this last Spring Break (a long anticipated trip to visit friends) some major concerns came up that seemed to be deal-breakers for us being able to travel together in the way we had hoped. Immediately, I was tempted to fix the situation at hand by coming up with my own suggested solutions. Another option was collaborating with Jim on what to impose on Ian and Caroline and then bracing for the fallout. We chose a newer option: the Restorative Circles (RC) process that we’ve been using both formally and informally, in parts and pieces of our family life in the last couple of years.
I am proud to say that, in spite of high tensions, we all welcomed the plan to ask a friend familiar with RC to help us. We put on hold any stories we had that “loving families work things out on their own” or “good people do not have conflict” and were willing to bring ourselves fully to the conversation. As a result, we were able to finally hear each other more clearly—beyond our fears and conclusions about what needed to happen—to understand what mattered to each of us. I did not have to pretend that I was the source of all decisions and that it didn’t matter how I was impacted by the outcome. I also didn’t have the pressure of needing to figure it out myself.
As circles often go, after everyone felt understood to their satisfaction, we were able to come up with a plan that was nothing any of us had thought of before: staggered arrival and departure dates, and more flexible scheduling during the trip, and much more clarity about what mattered to each of us.
I believe a direct result of this was, quite frankly, the most memorable and rich Spring Break we’ve ever had. Truly.
When I told my family I was writing this article and wanted to them to share what was different about RC here’s how they responded:
Caroline said, “It works. We were much calmer and really listened to each other. And I could understand everyone’s view better.”
Ian said, “It’s nice. It really helped the global wave of peace within me—please don’t write that,” and then laughed, of course.
From Jim: “It’s a simple structure. Easy to learn. And I gained a lot of insight. After hearing each other it was easy to find our way forward together.”
For me, Restorative Circles provide a format and structure for the Holy Spirit to enter in to our stuck places. By recognizing that God is at work in each of us, and the Holy Spirit (which is far bigger than our individual selves) shows up when invited, we found a deeper sense of trust within our family—that we really do each understand that all of our needs matter and are valuable, even when we’re not able to get to it in the moment because of tension or fear. And we’re willing to work at it.
I also recognized a desire I wasn’t previously aware of: the longing for natural support for our family from the extended community when we are in stuck spaces. Not just during times of major crises, but for the everyday stuff of life. Longing for God to come more fully into our daily workings to give us a greater vision of how difficulties can bloom into real Grace.
I am part of and want to continue growing into a loving community that knows that family life is messy and we get stuck and we simply can’t do it by ourselves. We can reach out and get someone to help us listen to each other, to be an agent of God’s presence. When this happens we open to the possibility of finding our own solutions that actually satisfy us in our situation. This is a safety net I didn’t even know I needed, and now that I know it’s here it feels like some of the weight has been lightened in parenting. From here it doesn’t seem complicated at all.